How to take back control of your life

Ever feel like a backseat passenger in your life?

Like someone else is navigating the direction your life is going?

I’ve had my fair share of feeling absolutely powerless and disappointed by my lot in life.

Every time something happened to me; something or someone else was to blame.

It was a classic mistakes were made; just not by me scenario.

If I downed a high calorie cocktail with a double decker cheese burger at a fancy restaurant, it was my boyfriends fault because he took me out to lunch.

If I didn’t exercise because my friends came over too early; it was their fault because they showed up at my workout time.

If I didn’t say my rosary because something came up, it wasn’t my fault. I’d have said my prayers if I wasn’t in such a hurry in the morning.

Does this sound familiar?

I continued with my blame-shifting ways for years till I stumbled upon a life changing book.

Ummmm… shoot me, but I can’t remember the title of the book. What I do remember is this line that stuck in my head

Nothing happens to you, it happens because of you.

From that moment onwards, I started accepting responsibility for everything that happened to me, whether or not it was my fault.

I realized that even though my boyfriend took me out to lunch, I didn’t have to order a Pina colada with a cheese burger just because he ordered it, I could have easily ordered a Steak with a side salad and a bottle of water.

Also, there are 24 hours in a day! I definitely had a spare 25mins where I was loafing around doing nothing and could have said my rosary.

By accepting responsibility for my actions and the actions of others towards me, I stopped giving people and situations power over me.

Believe it or not, every time you say you’re never going to love again because someone ripped your heart and fed it to the dogs, what you’re saying is “Hey! You’re not quite finished with me yet, also have the keys to my happiness!”

Haven’t they done enough already?

Playing victim is almost encoded in our DNA. Not only is it easier to push the blame to someone else, the victim mindset soothes our wounds and gives us a reason to dwell in unforgiveness and anger.

Admitting your role in an unpleasant situation or failure to do something right or get a desired outcome is extremely uncomfortable and for a good reason.

Something called Cognitive Dissonance.

Explained simply, this the disparity between what you said you would do and what you are actually doing.

For example, say you’ve resolved to stop eating cake this year but attended the launch of your sisters bakery and had two cupcakes.

This makes you feel really bad deep down even though you may not consciously feel bad. So you start rationalizing.

“Eating two cupcakes isn’t going to kill me, after all I’ve been adherent up until now”

“It would be rude to have refused the cakes she offered me”

You get the drill.

These rationalizations help you cope with your contradicting actions or else you’d feel like a failure who can’t follow through with resolutions.

And nobody likes to feel that way.

For me, the most difficult thing would have to be accepting responsibility for other people’s actions or circumstances beyond my control.

That, my friends, is the true test of self-discipline in accepting responsibility.

For example, a lung cancer diagnosis after years of eating healthy, not smoking and doing everything right or a drunk driver bashing your car while driving nicely minding your own business.

How does anyone accept responsibility for that?!

Technically, you don’t. It truly wasn’t your fault.

But you are certainly responsible for how you choose to react to it.

Personal responsibility my friends.

Every time my husband and I have an argument, I usually find myself apologizing first whether or not I was the hurt or hurtful party.

In all sincerity, it drives me crazy afterwards because I’m still upset and hurt and a part of me feels stupid for taking responsibility especially when I don’t get an apology in return or I feel he was more at fault than I was.

But I’ve quickly learned that life is easier when you accept apologies that were never given.

Plus men have a thing for not apologizing verbally. They’d rather do the dishes for a week than say the words I am sorry.

Okay, back to the point.

Wearing your hurt and anger like a badge is not only physically and mentally incapacitating but also destructive.

Accepting personal responsibility for your actions and the actions of others towards you, although painful to do initially, gives you strength of character and makes you a better person.

Plus you almost always feel better afterwards.

So commit today to accepting responsibility for your actions and see how you become a happier version of yourself.

Instead of ” The stupid iPad fell and the screen got broken”

Try saying, “I forgot my iPad was on my lap when I stood up, so it fell and the screen got broken”.

Avoidance and blame pushing does nothing but rid you of control over your life, genuine happiness and the opportunity to improve on your weaknesses and shortcomings.