I was an overweight teen who became an overweight adult. But the most challenging aspect of my size was not the way I looked in pictures or felt about my body, it was the fatigue and bowel issues I suffered every day.

 

Soon, I was feeling pretty miserable and figured changing my lifestyle would help improve some of my symptoms.

 

It worked. Embracing a healthier lifestyle did solve most of my problems. However, it got to a point where my entire existence was wrapped around my body image and for many years I struggled with intense dieting, calorie counting, disordered eating, and over-exercising to say the least. Despite being my leanest, I was mentally and physically stressed all the time.

 

After having kids, things took a turn for the worst. I became even more frustrated with my body and my inability to maintain my strict regimen. I could hardly sleep obsessing over what I was doing wrong and why I had seemingly lost my self-discipline.

​

Call it maternal instinct or whatever, I constantly imagined there was a better way of doing things, and staying sane while at it. I needed to quiet the voices in my head telling me I was not good enough because my body didn't look and work like it used to. I needed to find my peace. 

 

After much soul-searching, I realized that finding peace meant being six kilograms heavier because I'm now able to enjoy precious moments with friends and family over good food and drinks.

​

Finding peace meant 30-minute sessions 4-5 times a week was good enough till my kids were grown and I had more help.

​

Finding peace meant embracing the fact that bodies change over time.

​

Finding peace meant turning my mess into my message.

 

This is my version of deep health: Finding worth beyond my body size; Throwing out the food scales; Saying goodbye to meal tracking apps...and boy! does it feel good.

​

I finally understand that I'm not a mannequin and that it is perfectly okay to have more fat than I would prefer in certain areas of my body. Also, being in top form all year round is unrealistic because life happens to the very best of us.

 

My journey to self-discovery took a lot of years and tears, and the saddest part was that I had to bear this burden alone because I simply did not trust anybody with my vulnerability.

 

So, trust me when I say, I understand your pain, because I still carry mine. It's tough to overcome years of body dysmorphia, self-loathing, and inadequacy, but, I'm determined to stay on top of it and love myself better each day. 

 

I commit to this knowing that I can only give what I have and that If I feel shitty about myself, there's no way I'm able to exude warmth and spread the love that our world so desperately needs because ultimately, my purpose is to leave this world a better place than I found it.