Dear Woman: Own your Enoughness.

I’ve spent the last 5 months depressed. And I don’t mean depressed as in the way we throw around the word – depressed, but depressed as in a heavy cloud of sadness, discontent and anger hanging over my head.

Being who I am, I was pretty good at giving myself pep talks, looking for activities to preoccupy my mind or working out till I was sore all over.

Yet, those were temporary fixes that made me feel better for 2..3 hours maybe? and then I was back to my depressed state.

The experts call it postpartum depression but before I self-diagnosed my condition (thank you google!) I could not understand why I felt the way I did.

I loved my new status as a mom yet hated to be bogged down by mommy duties; I loved my husband dearly yet resented him for being the fortunate one who got to slay dragons everyday while I sat at home feeling useless; I loved my baby so bad it hurt yet his cries felt like pins and needles under my skin.

My temper was short, I was verbally and physically abusive and constantly wished I could disappear for two days where I’d feel absolutely nothing, sort of like a mental holiday. I desperately needed to reset my life back to factory settings before I got married or had a baby.

I looked around and all my friends seemed to be out there and getting it. My dreams of “making money” this year seemed to slip away every day.

For the first time in my life, I was envious. I failed to practice what I preached to others over and over again – watering your grass instead of ogling at another’s green grass.

Because of this I felt like a fraud and a complete failure which sunk me deeper into depression. I smiled and laughed when I had to but they required mental effort instead of coming naturally.

Worst of all, I couldn’t tell anybody because I would seem ungrateful for all the wonderful blessings I had received from God.

I felt trapped.

I don’t really understand the way clinical depression works, but I’d like to think of it as disappointment that got out of control. Sadness is just one of the ways disappointment expresses itself. There’s anger and there’s anxiety.

Add that to stress, lack of sleep and raging hormones then you have the perfect recipe for a nervous breakdown or major depressive episode.

These days, I feel better and more confident in my future. The black cloud hovering over me seems to gradually disappear.

And so, to answer your question, I was depressed because I let comparison steal my joy.

Simple.

As a perfectionist and 21st century Woman, my self-worth was defined by being productive and constant improvement. My idea of improvement and productivity was being a successful business/career Woman. (That’s what society tells us.)

To me, the dragons were out there and not inside my home. The stay-at-home-mom life was for lazy women who had no goals, dreams and ambitions.

How could anyone just sit at home doing nothing?!

I failed to realize that raising a family is the most daunting job out there. Being responsible for raising children and teaching them values and morals so they grow up to be well-adjusted and productive members of society is no small feat!

In my mind, I’d have my baby and then get on with my life. I was going to be like the other women out there who seemed to have it together….or so I thought?

I completely forgot about the pain in one mother’s eye when she had to drop her 3-month old at a creche where I worked some years back.

And so, when all my expectations and dreams weren’t materializing, I fell into the dangerous clutches of self-loathing and discontentment.

Oh Lord! Let’s not even get started with the changes to my body. Saggy boobs, fuller arms, thicker abdomen…..

I was stuck in the past and refused to acknowledge the present.

Fixated on my expectations I ignored and detested my reality……

I decided to bare it all because:

1. I believe it’s the final step of my healing process.

2. I want to call your attention to postpartum depression.

It’s real and new moms need love, support and encouragement from everyone especially loved ones. They need to feel like they’re doing an awesome job. They need to feel valued, respected and appreciated. This is not the time to find faults here and there or scold her for needing a break.

That being said…

Woman, Own your enoughness.

Whether you sit at home all day with your kids or you’re unmarried yet super-successful; Whether you’re successful and praying for the fruit of the womb or you have to leave your 3-month old to return to your job. You’re doing the best you can at the moment so own it.

Don’t let society’s standards make you feel incomplete because where you are now is miles away from where they think you should be.

I was listening to a sermon by a celebrated female pastor. It’s funny how I admire her yet disagree with her myopic view on some issues.

In this sermon, she inferred (more like outrightly said) that a woman who couldn’t give her husband one million Naira was a disgrace to womanhood.

Disgrace? Really? As in, Disgrace????

This is exactly why I was depressed!!

The society expects too much from you and I. Can we deliver? Oh yes! we can! But I think it should be on our terms.

A woman is supposed to:

1. keep the home.

2. remain a size 10 after 4 kids.

3. Want to have kids.

4. Get married before turning 30.

5. Work hard to support the family.

6. Yet be back home early enough to take care of the family.

7. Be respectful and courteous even when we’re angry, stressed and hurt.

8. Apologize for being successful.

9. Apologize for being hurt

10. Heck! Apologize for being female….

And now give our husbands one million naira or else we’re a disgrace to womanhood? Smh!

Even After you’ve ticked all of these boxes and you’re finally able to give your husband one million Naira when he’s financially low, you have to walk on egg-shells around him because everything you do or say will come down to the fact that you loaned or gave him some money!

The truth is, we will never get it right with society. Women are complicated and people fear what they don’t understand.

So just do you.

Wherever you are in your life right now is enough so own it.

Own your enoughness. Wear it as a badge.

Don’t let depression get the better of you or judge your self-worth by expectations not yet met.

Celebrate the little victories and find joy where you are now because it’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.

Life as you know it is not over. You will make money eventually. You'll lose the weight eventually. This phase will pass.

There's nothing wrong is losing yourself for a bit, what matters is that you find your way back. Drop them babies, shed the weight and get back to work if that's what you want for yourself.

We'll be alright at the end of the day.

xoxo,

Jenn.

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